Like so many young people across the United States that face alcohol-related charges in their lifetime, an inebriated individual was arrested a couple weeks ago for driving under the influence. Unfortunately, she did one better than most of those young people and allegedly offered the cop $3,000 to make her problem go away.
She was slurring her speech and heavily intoxicated, according to the police report. The report also noted that she offered the cop $3,000 not just once, but twice. Her actions resulted in another (more severe) charge: felony bribery.
This inspired the creation of the following list: the "10 DUI Defenses You May Not Want to Attempt". It should be noted, these "defenses" are not legitimate defenses, and should not be used when a cop pulls you over after you have been drinking:
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10.) Offer the cop money: This classic defense admits guilt, but says "There's a price for everything!"
9.) Offer the cop "good karma": Ensuring the officer that his/her generous decision to "look the other way" will have a long-term benefit may actually land you a long-term stay in jail.
8.) Excuse your behavior: Admit to being drunk and subsequently tell the police officer all of the reasons you were led to drink, such as having a nagging significant other or your favorite sports team was knocked out of the playoffs.
7.) Lie with smart-A response: When the cop asks "How much alcohol have you consumed tonight?", reply "None. How much have you had to drink tonight?"
6.) You Didn't Want to Ruin Your Beer Pong Win Streak: Explain matter-of-factly to the officer that though succeeding at the table for multiple games made you a winner, simply drinking water out of the cups would have actually made you a loser.
5.) You needed to impress your date: The cop will understand - They acknowledge the importance of dynamic relationships with divorce statistics in the U.S. the way they are nowadays.
4.) You're above the law: Note every important person you know - Buddy Dyer, Sandra Hutchens, Barack Obama, as you explain how the arrest is a waste of time while the conversation is being recorded.
3.) Swear at the police officer: It's not just a defense - it is better - relieve your frustration and make a point on the way down. Perhaps the officer will see how adamantly you don't want a DUI and reconsider.
2.) Cry: Tears always work. Cops are known for their soft and gentle nature - the right amount of sobbing may turn even the coldest heart.
1.) The Ex-Post Facto defense: If you already faced a DUI charge, let them know they cannot take you to court for the same issue twice! Like manslaughter, you can't be charged with killing the same person twice. It may seem reasonable for this charge as well.